I spoke about the fact that I am awaiting appointments for the Pain clinic and for Physio for my Hydrotherapy sessions.
Whilst I type I also realise I need to ask for help with my dyslexia (which pre fibro I didn't have a problem now typing or writing my letters go back to front, inside out you name it whatever way it gets spelt wrong but correct letters in incorrect order. Thank goodness for speel check otherwise this blog would take me even longer.
Anyway after chatting for a while (with my NICE GP unlike the 2 previous!!) He asked me if I thought I could be depressed????
ERYES, I would say that
- being unable to carry my little one or sometimes have him on my lap without pain.
- feeling like i've run a marathon every morning (when obviously I have NOT)
- having to plan every move I make so as to cause the least amount of pain to myself.
- hoping that the sun is out everyday (living in the UK does not help with this)
- constant pains in my hips / knees and ankles mean standing is hard let alone walking.
- Pains in my wrists, elbows and shoulders mean (well you get the drift)
- Being unable to work on a job that I loved and trained so hard to get (and now losing said job)
- No money coming in
- The prospect of having this condition forEVER
- feeling jealous when I see old ladies playing tennis in the park and realsiing that at 43 I can't even lift a racket.
- no knowing how to string a sentence together anymore apparently called Fibrofog.
- Not remembering a single thing that I should be doing birthdays, drs etc
- my spelling as previously mentioned.
- not being able to watch any news programmes or pick up a newspaper without crying.
- unable to walk far without pain and in far we're talking metres my alleyway is a good indicator.
- being unable to walk with a stick as the pressure of leaning of said stick would cause to much pain in my arm.
- being scared when driving now about parking as 3 point / 5 point turns etc would kill my arms. Not to mention pain I get in knees from driving anyway.
- Having to let people down when I make plans as I can never tell from day to day how bad i'll be.
- Thinking all the time that people don't believe me.
- and there's more .....................................
Yes I am possibly a little depressed at having a life that is not disimilar to an 80 year old lady (obviously one in bad health rather than those playing tennis in the park) when I should have had a least another 20 years of being able to run around with my kids and dog, working fulltime and looking forward to a retirement possibly by the sea that we could enjoy!!PHEW! - rant officially over!
New medication starting ths time is Citalopram and Nortriptyline combined. Now I've been on Amitriptyline from December up to April and I was like the walking dead - walking, breathing ZOMBIE!! and i'm terrified that will happen again but apparently Nortriptyline causes less drowsiness we shall hope and she but if you pass a person looking like this - feel sympathy for them they could be ME!!
Please feel free to avoid the temptation to batter me over the head with a spade it will make no difference to my cognitive thinking, lol!!If you were to read the list of side effects for each medication you'd wonder if it was worth taking them but as I am still early stages I'm ready for any kind of gamble just in order to have some semblance of a normal life. and to play tennis into my old age of course
4 x Staying Strong Mantras!!
4 Simple Mantras to Help You Stay Positive and Happy
“The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.” ~Swedish Proverb
Mantra, according to the dictionary:
Any sacred word or syllable used as an object of concentration and embodying some aspect of spiritual power.Mantra, according to Sirena:
Things I say to myself to help me deal.There are times we all go through that just straight up suck.
During these times, it can be hard to think about anything other than what’s going on. We can become so consumed in our own misery that we often overshadow any glimmer of hope.
And although these times can seem endless while we’re in them, it’s through these crappy times that we learn the most about ourselves and receive some of life’s greatest rewards.
I can only say this after going through some of my own crappy times. You know, experiencing little things like breaking up from an engagement, being unemployed, questioning my sexuality, severing several friendships, wiping through my entire savings, and accumulating way too much debt.
All within the same year.
Yikes.
Through my own experiences of hopelessness, confusion, and doubt, I’ve learned to establish a few simple, but very effective phrases to help me stay positive and to keep things in perspective.
So now, whenever things cross my path that may initially seem unbearable, or if I begin to doubt myself, I just remember and repeat some of the following mantras:
1. Keep your head up and your heart open.
I repeated this phrase to myself over and over again after my aforementioned breakup. At the time, the last thing I ever wanted to do was to open myself up again.After being with the same person for over 6 years (6 years!), I quickly realized that this kind of thinking wouldn’t get me far.
I trusted myself that if I just kept my head up and my heart open, good things would come into my life. And I’m glad I listened to myself.
I use this phrase both literally and figuratively.
By actually keeping your head up, smiling at people as they walk by, and keeping aware of your surroundings, you may notice something or meet someone that you potentially could have missed had your head been down.
When to use: During a break up, when you feel let down by someone, or when you feel betrayed or mistrust.
2. Go slowly.
With everything. Eating. Talking. Taking a shower. Driving. Even having sex.I noticed when I was super-stressed out about things, I had a tendency to run around like a lunatic, doing several things at once, often times having to re-track my steps because I was so distracted that I left several things out.
I found that my projects, errands, and even my conversations with people became very watered down because I was rushing just to finish.
Now, whenever I feel like I’m rushing to just get things done, I slow down my pace, take a deep breath, and take my time with whatever it is I am rushing to do.
When we slow down, we can taste all the flavors in our food and we digest our meals better. We are better communicators when we talk slower, and we become better listeners.
Accidents? They wouldn’t happen as much if we weren’t in such a rush to get somewhere.
It’s quality over quantity.
When to use: When you are in a rush on the highway, when you’re rushing out to get lunch, or walking around the office, when you feel pressure from deadlines, or while you’re annoyed sitting in traffic.
3. Be easy.
Or in other words, don’t sweat the small stuff.I realized that most of the issues that were giving me anxiety were completely out of my control, and they were usually things that wouldn’t matter five years, five months or even five minutes from the time.
Like freaking out that I didn’t have something to wear to a party, or stressing that I’d mess up choreography while teaching a class.
I learned to not get so worked up over the small things, stressing about matters that, in the end, really didn’t make a difference.
So, if you find yourself getting road rage from the guy that cut you off on the highway, let him be. Why get angry and stress yourself out over it? Just be easy.
Did someone on the train bump you as they walked by? Who cares? The cab is packed; it wasn’t her fault. Be easy.
When to use: When it’s 1 AM and you’re wide awake in bed, thinking about the next day’s to do list, when you spill on your new white tank top, or when the copy machine at work jams. Be easy. There are far worse things in life.
4. Let Sirena be Sirena (swap out my name with yours).
Most of us wear masks. And most of us are afraid to be ourselves, simply out of fear of judgment.We take jobs we don’t really care for, stay in relationships we don’t genuinely love, and pretend to be someone different for everybody else.
I was there—I stayed in a relationship far longer than I should have and I avoided confronting my sexuality because I was so afraid of being judged.
And I’m telling you, it’s a heck of a lot easier to just be you—whatever that means, whenever, wherever.
While you’re too busy making yourself appear to be someone else, you kill yourself from the inside out. And it can be a long, slow and painful death to your soul.
Bottom line? Accept yourself for who you are, and just be you.
This was the hardest lesson for me to accept, but the one that has given me the greatest clarity and direction in life.
When to use: Times when you are questioning yourself, when you feel outside pressure to do/be/say/act in a way that is not congruent with your true nature, or when you hold back from doing what you truly want to do because you’re afraid of being judged.
Since my “sabbatical” from life, which is what I’ve now jokingly nicknamed this year of despair I described earlier, I have made some dramatic and positive changes.
I have a job that I absolutely love, I am on track to pay off all of my debt by the end of this year, and I have accumulated a solid amount in my savings.
I’ve also re-kindled past friendships and made some awesome new relationships, while becoming grounded and confident in who I am.
These mantras helped me get to this point. Having them has been an effective trick to help me stay positive and on track.
TTFN!!!
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